It seems quite, quite possible that one could assess each of the candidates; their philosophies, their personalities, their level of experience, simply on the way in which they walked (waddled or strutted as the case may be) to their podiums to introduce themselves in their brief 10 second window.
Bachman attempted to glide onto the stage in the costume of a swan burning in the stage lights, her smile being stretched across her face like she was getting braces taken off, waving a plastic wrapped hand to the crowd like a girl practicing to be Cinderella at Disney.
Gingrich in that wonderful penguin-esque mode of transport waddled on to the stage on a seemingly knee-less leg structure. His pasty white skin puffed out of his stiff shirt and knowledge rested, hoisted behind those squinty eyes and confidence sat like tobacco under his grinning lip. Like a 90 year old he shone in whiteness, with that perfect political parted haircut for his white toupee-ish hair.
Perry strode that stage shoulders back feet separated, chest out, in position (and probably willing) to do some squats. His stiff starched shirt and wide tailored suit made him look like a refrigerator (and one with a rather frustrating Texan accent, thick with pride from his shiny shoes to the mice crouched on his head.
Romney waltzed 7 feet tall straight out of a magazine for perfect presidential image, waving, appropriately awkward as all politicians are.
Cain, with an upward hail and Tarzan chest bump saunters to his podium, politically innocent eyes hiding behind the glasses of business wealth, and sincere African-American passion and charm; his gold tie in stark contrast to the stereotypical presidential red.
Paul, like a murine, scampered on stage with an almost adorable two hand wave shimmy shindig; crooked smile crooked tie, eyes with opinions (wisdom) to impart.
And Santorum…
That whiny little teenager snarled from eyebrow to eyebrow with that gargantuan nose half smiling inwardly clapping for himself for his brilliance sitting on his whopping 1% of the vote.
The Republican nominees, ladies and gentlemen…
They introduced themselves and from the short, witty, passion of Ron Paul’s “I am the champion of Liberty” to Bachman’s horrendous “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” ‘joke’; Each candidate tried to gain a personal advantage and edge (except perhaps Newt Gingrich who seemed to be comfortable standing quietly and every once in a while jargoning about why the others plans did not work)
And what follows are the list of my grievances toward this body of 7 and this set-up for the primary. It is hopefully quite exhaustive.
Do Not’s when running a primary (A hash-tagged twitter enumeration)
® Let the Candidates have introductions like superstars and then not give them a tunnel to run through it’s one or the other. #andnoowwwyourepublicannominees!!
® Let Michelle Bachman wear white and her hair back (she’s hard to find) #Casperisthatyou?
® Let the candidates have stands to make them look taller (The fact that Michelle Bachman is 5’2” is a crucial factor, if she still gets measured at roller-coasters why should she run the big roller-coaster of the nation) #merrygoround’sthatway
® Let ‘Phantom’ talk through the star spangled banner #ifhewasblackit’dbecalledrap
® Let so many white old men in the same building without even a wee bit of diversity #hellothereeggcarton
® Let unintelligible anxious flooded audience members stutter through half-memorized questions written over their heads #t-t-t-t-t-todayyjunior
® Let Ron Paul and Gingrich put their hand over their own heart (no shame in asking for assistance #deadfish
Do Not’s for Santorum
® Interrupt Romney (at least stop when they began to boo you know Romney has zingers) #bambamturkeyandham
® Talk through your nose you sound like a 12 year old kid with a sinus infection #wrongsenseorganbuddy
® Stand silently for 45 minutes #speakupbigguy
® Get a catchy plan #doyouevenhaveaplan
® Stop bringing up evidence which can be repudiated with a no that’s not true #seriouslyithasn’tworkedonce
Do Not’s for Paul
® Talk about immigration or say the words Latino or penalized #itsoundsretarded
® Move your eyebrows so much giving you the appearance of a wild eyed maniac #youdon’tneedadditionalhelppeoplealreadybelievethat
® Don’t Stop preaching it #you’reastud
Do Not’s for Cain
® Talk about fruit #nothatsanapple
® Keep telling me to do the math myself #Don’tyouknowAmericansarelazy
® Lose that awesome passion #9-9-9,andthatvoice..for.the.win
Do Not’s for Romney
® Design plans with more points than some American’s can count #59?comeon
® Hire lawn companies #thereboundtohaveillegals #youonlyseegrassinMassachusettsfor2months #ithinkyoucanhandleit
Do Not’s for Perry
® Talk like George Bush #heisn’tsopopular
® Contradict yourself in the same sentence #pickone
® Talk about your strength against Immigration #Texashablaespanol
® Argue with Romney #yougotdestroyed
® Get testy #Romney’llcallyouonit
® Address Herman Cain as Brother #notyourbrotherhood
® Talk like you have already won #scoreboard
® Keep talking #presidentgottolisten
® Shake your head in unbelief when you get called out #don’tinterrupt..rude
® Talk about Texas #itisn’tthatgreat
Do Not’s for Gingrich
® Abandon all uses of personality #zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
® Skip the vowels in words #tshrdtndrstnd
® Assume people know what your plan is #itwasmadebeforeiwasborn
® Divorce another woman #three’scompany
® Stand silently for 20 minutes #yourprettyforgettable
Do Not’s for Michelle Bachman
This list would be far too long but to mention a few; study your geography Libya is in Africa dummy, what in God’s name is the second fence for and how does two fences help decrease building costs and time? Wear a different color suit and let your hair down, no one wants a tight-knit efeminated woman, and I can’t believe I’m saying it, but be like Palin. Lastly, talk with your husband about the gay thing its bringing you down, oh and I forgot to ask where you find it Biblically appropriate for a woman to be in charge of a nation (just curious) and address your questions and responses to candidates not Anderson he didn’t even call on you, that jerk! Anderson? Anderson? Anderson? #youdon’thavetoraiseyourhand
These are my grievances, and my list of positives is equal in length but will be summarized in the interest of saving paper with the following: Santorum nailed the religious tolerance question; Paul has brilliant ideas that strike home with me and a lot of the crowd and though they probably wouldn’t pass Congress, he still finds favor with my political leanings; Cain has a lot of good items in the 9-9-9 plan he just couldn’t explain it, his fruit analogy was correct but he lacks communication. Additionally, his business experience would seem to lend him better equipped at job giving. Romney whipped Cain, Santorum, and Perry and firmly kept his lead atop the Republican polls, Perry understood that a fence is not in our best interest but not much else, Gingrich logically assessed, evaluated and commented on the other candidates plans shining in his experience, intelligence, wisdom, and stature, proving himself good for governing though quite abysmal at campaigning. And Bachman didn’t do too much positively in my mind though I do agree with her flat tax plan and though not in so far as much as I do with Paul, hers holds more realistic potential. She also accurately stated the real problem in America was unemployment though I have doubts she could be much help in alleviating that burden.
As a champion in my mind for the cause of liberty I conclude this slightly satirical but hopefull infallibly accurate assessment of the Western Republican Primary of October 18 2011.
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment